Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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