it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
