I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
