Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
actually, I'm a sock model
we made out on top of his cat.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
