I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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