i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
