I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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