Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Your penis caused this!
try to milk me bitch
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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