mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
