We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize