it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
