She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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