i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
