He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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