She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
