Your face is a jimmy john
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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