If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
