my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
