Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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