Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize