Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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