how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
