i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
