Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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