i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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