He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
