just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
