Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
