I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
