Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's rum buckets o'clock
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
