i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize