Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
