i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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