Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I need a beard to bite.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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