My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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