Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize