omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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