I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
