the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
