come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
