and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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