she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
