I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
