Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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