Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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