Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i will never coherently bang her
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
