first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
