We're like a lot better than the average bears
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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