Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I pour the whiskey from now on
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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