i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
