He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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