My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You can't just leave with hair like that
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
