I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
