Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
