When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
