Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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