Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
