I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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