Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
