If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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