My hand turned me down
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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