i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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