my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
