i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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