Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
